Meet the Team
Aside from Becci and Rich, here are the rest of the team:
Elmo: Head of Security
- Elmo is a staffie X, who we adopted from the RSPCA. He is 14 years old
- He got pissed when we were out one night by eating an entire box of Gran Marnier liquor chocolates (yes, we know chocolate is poisonous to dogs and we did call the vet when we returned home and saw what he’d done). Whilst on the phone to the vet at midnight, Elmo watched us, silently swaying on the bottom stair and grinning.
- He doesn’t much like his sister, Piper. She doesn’t like him either and growls at him when he goes near her. He got his own back by cocking his leg over her in the wood when she sat down to have a pee – you could almost hear him chuckling as he walked away.
- Elmo doesn’t like the rain, or the cold.
- Elmo spends most of his day on security duties, watching from the studio door for any misdemeanours from his house mates. Poor boy is now as deaf as a post, which is good because he can’t hear the swearing in the studio.
Florence: Door Staff
- Florence is supposed to be one of the door security staff. In reality, she comes into the studio, wags her tail at us, and walks straight back out again.
- Florence likes to learn, but nothing very useful. I taught her to ‘High Five’. Whilst this passed as entertainment for me during lockdown, it’s since become a bit of a chore. Every time I move, Florence follows me to ‘high five’. High-fiving all-round the house, day in, day out, is not a productive way to live your life.
- Florence is a fan of perfume. However, on the days she comes to work wearing perfume, I have to send her home to wash. That’s a bit harsh, I hear you say but Flo’s choice of perfume is ‘eau de bird shit’, or ‘eau de fox shit’. Neither of these scents are conducive to a happy work environment and that is why she is sent home.
- Florence is a tart. When we have visitors, she drapes herself across said visitor like a furry rash.
Murphy: is a Cat and hence his job is ‘whatever he bloody well likes’
- Murphy is the oldest team member we have, at 15. Converting cat to human years, that makes him older than us. At least somebody is.
- In his prime, Murphy was a one-cat mafia boss, known as Murphy the Bastard. He terrorised all cats on the hill. He used to let himself into next door’s house via their catflap and eat all their cat’s food. When my neighbour returned from being out for the day, she found Murphy sat in the middle of their lounge, preening himself, whilst their own cat hid behind the tele.
- Murphy once took a trip to Lidl, with our neighbour in their car. This was unintentional as he’d only gone in their car for a sleep. He was less than impressed.
- Murphy has no ears. This is not because we are cruel cat parents, but because he had skin cancer. However, this serves him well, because he can still look the part of Murphy the Bastard, even though he is now too old to fight. This means he can keep up the false pretence on the hill. This is important.
- Murphy prefers to terrorise inside the house now, rather than out. His terrorism takes the form of a hard swipe at any dog that dares to walk within 6 inches of him. When he’s done with physical paw-swatting violence, he goes upstairs to hang off the wallpaper for a good post-workout stretch.
- Murphy’s attendance record at work isn’t that great: he swans in after hours and takes very long lunch breaks. We keep him on because despite his previous level of bastardry, we actually quite like him.
Piper: Bank Staff
- Piper can be found either in the house or garden, mostly shouting her mouth off.
- Piper’s favourite pastime is stealing food*. This constant seeking of food means she isn’t reliable enough to be taken on as permanent staff.
- Her favourite toy is a piece of coal. She goes giddy with excitement on finding a piece of coal. This isn’t because she has a lack of other toys, it’s just given the choice of a cloth pheasant and piece of coal, she will have the piece of coal, thank you.
- Piper likes to be in confined spaces. She is a big dog, but still insists on sitting in the smallest chair in the house.
- Piper has the loudest bark in the world. It’s like having Brian Blessed permanently in the garden.
*Except celery. She doesn’t like celery.
Billy: Quality Control
- Full name is Billy the Behemoth. He is a rat. He is enormous.
- Despite his size in the rat world, he is still the smallest member of staff and for that reason, he takes up very little space in the studio. He likes to sit on Becci’s shoulder and doesn’t need desk space.
- Billy’s favourite foods are cheese, monkey nuts and pasta.
- Billy has three brothers: Morph, Lupin and Atlas. They love each other, except for when there’s a corn on the cob for their tea – then it’s war. An orchestra of squeaks and pushing and shoving ensues which is actually hugely entertaining to watch. Why don’t we put more than one cob in so they don’t fight over it? We do. But it seems that there is such a thing as ‘cob envy’ and hence they like to scrap over one.